Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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