Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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