I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
