I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
