In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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