dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
