THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
