I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
