Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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