Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
There's always time for handjobs
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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