Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
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Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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