Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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