He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
