Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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