I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
