May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
