cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
