I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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