so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
