How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
