I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
