I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
