I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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