i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He better not be in your backpack
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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