I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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