I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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