Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
