she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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