wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
