dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
