I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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