I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
