Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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