it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
