I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
