Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
