Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
