She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
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You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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