You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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