Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
