The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
