If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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