I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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