i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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