Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
