well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
