Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
