A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
