Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
