A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
sick fucks of a feather flock together
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
