I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
