Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
