so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
