if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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