Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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