On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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