dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
