Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
