i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
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Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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