i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
